


Jane Foster Versus the Internet. Or: Five Times Jane Allegedly Dated An Avenger And One Time She Apparently Did Not

by shinyopals



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Awesome Jane Foster, F/M, Jane Foster Loves Science, Jane Foster: Bad Example on the Internet, Minor Bruce Banner/Betty Ross, Minor Pepper Potts/Tony Stark, Nobel Prize winning Jane Foster, POV Jane Foster, Protective Thor, Thor Is Not Stupid, ignores Avengers Age of Ultron
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 09:53:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4560147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinyopals/pseuds/shinyopals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i></i></p><blockquote><p><i>When Tony Stark shocked the world by announcing his relationship with Pepper Potts it left many commentators wondering how long could this notorious partier and playboy could settle down for. New photos taken after-hours at the Stanford Physics Conference reveal that for all his Iron Man antics, a leopard can't change its spots. Stark was photographed in the company of a mystery woman who by all accounts seems to be a devoted fan of his, hanging off his every word. Just what Pepper Potts – who, according to our sources, has been left alone, working all hours of the night in NYC – will think of this development remains to be seen.</i></p></blockquote><i>'Oh... my... god,' muttered Jane. 'I'm going to kill them. Thor, you could take out the internet, right? Will you do that for me? Right now. “Devoted fan”? I'm going to absolutely kill them.'</i>
<p></p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Jane discovers that the internet is The Worst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jane Foster Versus the Internet. Or: Five Times Jane Allegedly Dated An Avenger And One Time She Apparently Did Not

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again to [Niobium](archiveofourown.org/users/niobium) for being an awesome beta!
> 
> I suppose you could say this is sort of an anti "[Five Times Jane Kinda Sorta Accidentally Slept With An Avenger](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3702597)" from another universe. (The two aren't connected, they're more opposites!)

** Avengers Power Couple On The Rocks: Stark gets drunk with mystery brunette, leaving Pepper Potts home alone **

'So, so, what you're saying is... if we de-decouple the power source, we can-'

'Right! Make it stable. Blow it wiiiiide open. And then, we'll be laughing, and everyone... and wait I think we need this!'

Jane grabbed the cocktail stirrer from her glass and jammed it into the scale model of the dilation engine that she and Tony had constructed out of bar mats, paper napkins, soggy fries and olives. The model itself wobbled precariously. Over the top of his glass, Tony nodded knowingly.

'Right, because that'll do the thing with the field expansion!'

'Right!'

They grinned at each other.

'We're fucking _geniuses_!' proclaimed Tony. 'Champagne to celebrate!'

Jane giggled and fell off her barstool. Tony shoved her roughly against the bar to stop her from falling over.

The bartender raised his eyebrows. 'We're closing,' he said. 'And we don't have champagne.'

'Oh, but, c'mon,' pleaded Tony. 'Just a little bit!'

Jane, still pinned against the bar, shoved Tony back. 'Gedoff,' she grumbled, and sent him flying backwards. Instead of falling, he managed to stagger over the top of the stool he'd just overbalanced and into one of the tables behind, where he knocked a bunch of glasses onto the floor.

The bartender made an annoyed noise under his breath. Tony and Jane exchanged glances.

'I know a twenty-four hour diner near here,' said Jane. 'They have fried things.'

Nodding, Tony scrambled up from the table, fished a fifty out of his wallet, and dropped it on the bar. Jane's screwed her eyes shut and pushed herself upright so she was pretty much standing of her own accord. She squinted over at Tony, who was rubbing his eyes.

'You know what we need right now?'

'Drivers?'

'Asgardian anti-drunk stuff.'

'Holy shit that's a thing?'

'Yeah. S'amazing. No hangovers or nothing.'

'Why don't they share? Those bastards.'

'Right. Fuck 'em.'

'Aren't you already?'

'Fuck off.'

They both paused momentarily, considering their next steps. Walking seemed incredibly difficult to Jane, and from looking at Tony she suspected he felt the same. But then he caught her eye.

'Janey, we're certified geniuses,' he said. 'Cleverest people on the planet. We can stop alien invaders and fly and open doorways to other freaking universes!'

'Damn right!' she replied, getting into the spirit of his motivational speech.

'We can walk to a fucking diner!'

He offered her his arm. She took it. And together they walked out of the door and down the road and into their fried-things-filled-future.

At least they did until Jane hit a lamppost and sent them both sprawling onto the ground.

~*~

The phone was not welcome. In fact, the phone was so unwelcome it took every ounce of willpower Jane possessed not to throw it against the wall. Even on seeing the caller ID reading 'Thor' she was still tempted.

'What?' she demanded as she answered. Her head was _killing_ her.

'Good morning, Beloved,' he said cheerfully. 'How are you?'

'Is the world ending? If not, I'm going.'

'My darling, my one true love, oh endless light in my darkest days-'

'Thor, is there a point to this?'

He laughed softly. 'You are most charming when you are hungover.'

As much as she wanted to go back to sleep, his warm and ridiculous happiness was starting to win her over. She groaned, rubbed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths.

'How are you?' she mumbled at last. She was missing him, after all. It was too bad he was too busy to come to the conference, although she and Tony were obviously keeping themselves entertained. 'Wait, how do you know I'm hungover? This could just be me in the morning.'

'Normally I might like to say I know because I know you so well as to feel some connection between us, even across the many hundreds of miles-' Jane felt her lips twitch upwards, even if she could tell he was being silly, 'however I am afraid today I did not interrupt your slumber merely to hear the sound of your voice. Your previous evening's activities have been captured by someone enterprising with a camera and have made their way onto the internet for all the world to see.'

Jane groaned again, snatched at the laptop beside her bed and flipped it open. The bright light burned her eyes and she screwed them shut and managed to enter her password by only squinting at the keyboard. 'Ugh,' she muttered.

The first Avengers gossip website she found made her groan even more. The pictures from the night before were precisely the opposite of flattering. The make-up and smart-ish clothes she'd worn for the conference presentation were smudged and askew respectively, and she and Tony were basically falling over each other in the streets, giggling as they – if she recalled correctly – congratulated each other on successive genius inventions. She couldn't remember any of the inventions but she could remember they were genius.

'Hmph, “mystery brunette”,' she grumbled. 'I gave a presentation! It wouldn't take that much work to find out who I am.'

Thor chuckled down the phone. 'Would you really wish for that? You prefer that we keep our own relationship private, after all. I have acquired all manner of disguises in the pursuit of that.'

'No I don't wish,' she said, 'but it's the principle of the thing! If I'm known for anything, I want it to be my work. Not who I'm sleeping with. Or not sleeping with. Whatever.' And then she read on.

> _When Tony Stark shocked the world by announcing his relationship with Pepper Potts it left many commentators wondering how long could this notorious partier and playboy could settle down for. New photos taken after-hours at the Stanford Physics Conference reveal that for all his Iron Man antics, a leopard can't change its spots. Stark was photographed in the company of a mystery woman who by all accounts seems to be a devoted fan of his, hanging off his every word. Just what Pepper Potts – who, according to our sources, has been left alone, working all hours of the night in NYC – will think of this development remains to be seen._

'Oh... my... god,' muttered Jane. 'I'm going to kill them. Thor, you could take out the internet, right? Will you do that for me? Right now. “Devoted fan”? I'm going to absolutely kill them.'

Next to her, the lump in her bedclothes that she hadn't even noticed groaned. 'Why is there noise?' it said.

'Did you... sleep with Stark in your room?' she heard an incredulous Thor say.

'Erm. Apparently,' she said, eyeing the blankets. 'If it make it better I'm still fully dressed and I think there's a bit of sick on my shirt. Ick. I hope that's mine and not his.' On the other end of the line, she could hear Thor desperately trying not to burst out laughing. Ignoring him, she poked the bundle of bedclothes. Tony shoved them off his face and then yelped when he saw her. She was relieved to see he too was fully dressed.

'Christ, Jane, you need to take your make-up off before bed,' he said. 'I genuinely thought you were an alien or a Hydra assassin or something.'

'Tony, you need to phone your lawyers,' she said, and dumped the laptop on top of him. 'And then you need to fuck off. I need, like, seventeen showers to wash away all the layers of gross I feel right now.'

Tony squinted at the laptop screen to read and then he started laughing. 'Devoted fan?' he muttered through his giggles. 'Mystery brunette? This is golden. Wait until I show Pep!'

He was still laughing right up until she shoved him out of bed and he fell on the floor. It was entirely worth it until he threw up on her hotel room floor.

Jane sighed and tried to think about happy things like pretty new pictures from space telescopes and adorable alien boyfriends. 'Thor, after you're done taking out the entire internet, can you fly over and pick me up and take me somewhere less terrible?'

'Of course, Beloved,' said Thor contentedly.

She should have known better than to ask because, while he didn't destroy the internet, he did show up later that day having flown from New York to California. And he brought her flowers. And loomed over Tony long enough to make Tony stop laughing about the whole 'devoted fan' thing.

 _World's best boyfriend!_ she texted Darcy.

 _Who? Thor or stark? ;D ;D ;D_ came the reply.

She really did chuck her phone away at that point.

~*~

** Taming the Monster Within? Bruce Banner's first date since becoming THE HULK with a fellow academic **

'Jane?'

Jane glanced up from her work to find Bruce hovering awkwardly, hands in his pockets. She hoped he hadn't been waiting long. The brightness equations she was looking at were really absorbing and some of the new data was...

'Yes, sorry, hi!' she said, interrupting her brain before it got away from her.

'Are you interruptible?'

She blinked. 'Well you've already interrupted so you might as well continue,' she said, and he winced. 'Sorry! I didn't mean that in a rude way. Just a statement of fact.' She tried to give him a pleasant smile and banish all thoughts of her data temporarily. 'What is it? Your radiation readings looking strange? I've got some stuff here that might help...' She turned to her piled of papers and shuffled them vaguely before Bruce spoke again.

'No, it's... er... personal.'

Jane stopped her work and turned to stare at him. 'Wait, what?'

It wasn't that she wasn't friendly with Bruce. _Friends_ , even. He was just one of those friends she talked about science and occasionally reminisced about Culver with, and really not a lot else.

'You know Betty, right?'

'Er, yes,' she admitted. She also knew that Betty knew Bruce and that “it's complicated” didn't even begin to cover it.

'We're sort of... talking again,' said Bruce, shifting from foot to foot.

Jane started mentally praying to whatever god would listen that he didn't want relationship advice. Or at least, if he did, something would attack the lab before she was forced to try and answer.

'I'm trying to sort stuff out,' said Bruce. 'I haven't always been... it's complicated.'

'Yeah, I know,' she replied. 'Are you, um, friends now?'

'Sort of?' he looked a bit lost and Jane felt sorry for him. He must be very desperate to be talking to her. Then again, the alternative was probably Tony.

'Right,' said Jane, wondering what to say now. Fortunately for her, Bruce wasn't finished.

'We're talking,' he said again. 'Only it's her birthday next week and what the hell do you get your mostly-ex-but-hopefully-not-forever when you broke up over, er, you know, anger issues?'

Jane stared at him. 'I am... not good with presents,' she said. 'Or relationships.'

'But you know Betty! And I haven't seen her properly for years. Even if all you can tell me is which journals she doesn't already have a subscription to that's something.'

'Right, um, OK,' she said. He looked really hopeful. Jane sighed. 'Let's go shopping?' she offered helplessly. She was going to regret this.

They went to the mall, but it was a mall that had a large bookstore spread over three storeys, so it was the only place Jane went shopping in New York when she had a choice in the matter. To her surprise, she was actually semi-helpful to Bruce: able to point out a few volumes she knew that Betty would like but that she didn't already own.

'I mean, you might want to get her something less sciencey as well?' she hazarded as they queued up. She'd also picked up three new Astronomy books, one set of collected lectures about gravity, and a book about McCarthyism and the Cold War (for Thor, who had turned out to be a delightful nerd when it came to politics).

'Yeah, maybe,' he said. 'Is jewellery too much at this stage?'

Jane stared at him. 'I have literally no idea,' she said.

'Maybe something a bit less relationshippy,' he suggested, as much to himself as to her.

Jane just shrugged and looked happily at the bright photograph of a nebula on the cover of one of her new books. She probably didn't need another coffee table book with pretty space pictures, but the rooms she shared in the Tower with Thor did, in fact, have an actual coffee table. Having access (however part time) to a real apartment with proper furniture instead of a trailer or a motel was still taking some adjusting.

'C'mon,' said Bruce, after they'd paid. 'Let's go get lunch.'

~*~

When they arrived back at the Tower, they found Thor in one of the communal lounges, reading an actual printed newspaper.

'You're such an old man,' she told him with a giggle, leaning over the back of the couch to kiss him. He grinned dazzlingly up at her, folded aside his newspaper and tugged her around to join him. She settled on his lap comfortably, deciding that going back to work could wait a bit longer.

'Jane!'

Jane jumped, and whirled around to see Darcy entering, with Tony at her heels.

'Do you want the good news or the bad news?' asked Darcy.

'Bad news?' said Tony. 'Hilarious news more like!'

Jane groaned. 'What?' she demanded.

'I can't believe you're cheating on me with Bruce!' said Tony.

'What?' said Bruce.

Jane stared up at Tony. Darcy handed a tablet to Jane, the gossip site already opened in the browser. The picture was her and Bruce eating sushi, taken on someone's phone camera judging from the quality. Feeling embarrassment start to spread through her, Jane scrolled down. Bruce leaned over the back of the couch and Thor pressed his nose against her shoulder to both read with her.

> _Dr Bruce Banner, the adorable Avengers scientist with a Jekyll and Hyde complex-and-a-half is living proof that it's not easy being green. Without Iron Man's millions or Cap and Thor's biceps it's easy to overlook him, right up until he levels a city block. Today, though, it looks like love is in the air as our favourite world-saving nerd has an intimate lunch date with fellow scientist and Culver U alum, Dr Jane Foster._

'Ugh,' said Bruce. 'Well I guess Betty and I'll have something to talk about when we go out for birthday drinks.'

'Mall food court sushi is not intimate,' said Jane. 'Even I know that's a crap date and I'm terrible at dating.'

'I can't believe this is not-date number two,' said Tony. 'How the hell do you and Thor stay out of the gossip rags anyway?'

'Because every single one of their damn dates is at three in the morning up some godforsaken mountain,' supplied Darcy.

'Not _all_ of them,' argued Jane. 'And Thor wears a hoodie when we're in public. Which, like, somehow works. Don't ask me how.'

'Magic,' said Thor in his I-am-totally-lying-right-now tone of voice. 'Perhaps you too should get one, if you plan to date every Avenger.'

'Thor I can literally feel you trying not to laugh right now so quit pretending.'

She turned to Thor, who had sat back and just about mastered trying to look serious. 'Would you like me to destroy the internet?' he offered politely.

'Well, personally I'm offended no reporter has ever called me “adorable”,' said Tony. 'So that's a vote for internet annihilation.'

'They also didn't mention your biceps,' Thor reminded him cheerfully, casually flexing his own until Jane lightly thwacked him in the arm.

'If this is turning into an Avengers ego thing then I'm going back to work,' she said. 'Darcy please tell me there was actually good news?'

'Oh yeah, 'course,' said Darcy. 'Would I get your hopes up and then dash your dreams like that? And not only that, it's your kinda good news: Hubble data! They sent it through!'

'Oh my god, we have to go and see it right now.'

'Only you could think this is better than your space prince boyfriend flexing his muscles,' said Darcy, pulling a face at Thor, who simply grinned and kissed Jane's hand.

'I will call upon you later when our evening meal is prepared,' he promised her. 'Unless, of course, you have plans to venture on any more dates this evening.' His eyes sparkled.

'You-!' Jane broke off. 'God, you're lucky you're so charming or you'd be in big trouble.'

At that, he finally laughed aloud.

~*~

** Vintage Romance: Captain America's back in the dating game and getting up-close and personal with renowned astrophysicist **

'Hmph,' Jane muttered angrily at her computer. The results of her algorithm were giving her a big, fat nothing. And not the sort of nothing that asked lots of exciting new questions that she hadn't previously considered. The sort of nothing that implied there was literally nothing. Stupid algorithms. Stupid dataset.

She shoved her computer onto the coffee tables and picked up a notepad and pen, roughly sketching out her process and trying to figure out if she'd missed something.

'Hey, Doc.'

She jumped. 'Steve!' He grinned and waved from the doorway. 'How are all you superheroes so light-footed? Is it a thing? Like, does Natasha give you lessons?'

'I've had to sneak up on a few Nazis in my time,' he said. 'How you doing? Not moping too much?'

She scowled. 'I'm not moping! Why would I be moping? He's only gone back to Asgard for a week or so. There's nothing to even mope about!'

'Of course,' he said, with a smile that was far too innocent.

'Hmph,' grumbled Jane again to herself. 'I'm working,' she told Steve, because he was apparently in a far-too-cheerful-for-his-own-good mood.

'I know, sorry for interrupting! I won't be long,' he said. 'Last time I interrupted you for too long I got a five hour lecture from Thor about the scientific process the next time we were sparring.'

Jane felt a smile creep onto her face despite her stupid algorithms and her stupid data. 'You're both ridiculous,' she told him.

'Anyway,' said Steve. 'The International Centre for Photography's museum is doing a special exhibition on photos of space and the stars and stuff. They sent me a couple of free tickets because I've been there before and my name is Steve Rogers. I was wondering if you wanted to go some time over the next couple of days?'

'Oooh,' said Jane, perking up.

'Besides,' he said, 'it'll stop you moping.'

Jane snorted. 'I am definitely going to tell Thor you need another lecture about the scientific process,' she said.

~*~

The trip turned out to be a lot of fun. Steve's wore what Jane had taken to thinking of as the Official Avengers Disguise, which involved a baseball cap and a hoodie. Like when Thor did it, Jane keep looking at him and giggling. Both he and Thor insisted that it worked fine though and, beyond all expectations, it actually seemed to. The only person who seemed to recognise Steve the whole time was the girl who took the tickets who gave him a frantically wide-eyed stare.

Jane had seen Thor respond to that sort of recognition enough times – normally with a wink and a secretive 'shh' if he wanted to remain undetected. Sometimes, if he felt time was on their side or he wasn't concerned about recognition, he'd exchange a few words in conversation and probably make their day. Steve was not quite such a natural as Thor – or perhaps he was just less well practised. He smiled at the girl but Jane noticed that a certain stiffness had come into his movements.

'C'mon,' she said, giving him an easy excuse to follow her into the museum.

The exhibition itself was beautiful. Some of the photos Jane had, of course, seen before. Those were mostly the ones taken from the Hubble telescope or from space itself. However a lot of the pictures were shots from Earth – using smaller telescopes or just regular cameras. There were there predictable few long exposures, but even though she'd seen that sort of thing loads before, they were still pretty to look at.

'Are you a photographer at all?' she asked Steve.

'Not exactly,' he said. 'I've always done more drawing and illustrations. Photography was always a bit out of my budget back in the day. I was thinking I might take a class or two though, if I can ever get the time.'

'You could always just join instagram like Thor and Nat,' Jane pointed out with a grin.

He laughed. 'Maybe I should,' he said. 'Daily workout selfies to match Thor's daily cooking selfies.'

Jane laughed, thinking that might be a bit too popular for a lot of reasons that Steve wouldn't like. She, of course, followed Thor's instagram whenever their work took them to different cities. With him on Asgard, she was kinda missing seeing what he was having for lunch. Although given that he was on Asgard, he was unlikely to be cooking it for himself in a tight t shirt.

~*~

This time, she managed to pre-empt Tony and find it on the internet herself.

It wasn't that she'd specifically noticed them being papped, it was more that she'd set up a google alert for her own name, which she told herself was totally normal now she was getting more well known for her work. Also she'd known the baseball cap and hoodie disguise was too good to be true. Honestly, it was probably not going to be too long before someone got a picture of her and Thor on an actual date.

> _Looks like love is in the air for the very first superhero. Captain America was today spotted looking very loved up with astrophysicist Dr Jane Foster. The happy couple visited the International Center for Photography's latest special exhibit, The Sky at Night, and then went for an ice cream in the nearby park. Foster, 33, is an ambitious young scientist, best known for her work on wormholes (space bridges) and has previously been linked to both Tony Stark and Bruce Banner._

Jane sighed to herself and got to her feet. She got the feeling “ambitious” wasn't exactly a compliment. She found Steve in the kitchen mixing cake batter under the watchful eye of Nat, Sam and Pepper. Tony was in there too, although he was pinning print-outs of the latest article to the noticeboard that had a whole collection of ridiculous gossip articles.

'Janey!' he said delightedly. 'Did you see-?'

'Yes, I saw,' she interrupted, shooting him a glare.

Steve gave her an apologetic look. 'Sorry,' he said.

'Oh, it's fine,' said Jane. 'At least now I can say to kids that they should stay in school and they might get a date with Captain America. Although I'm going to have to go and see my grandma at some point and introduce her to Thor. After the Bruce thing she started to get concerned I was, er, playing the field too much.'

'Because you spent time with two men?' said Pepper incredulously.

'Well everyone in the twenty-first century has such loose morals, right Rogers?' said Tony.

'Oh yeah,' said Steve drily, 'just today I saw some people who weren't wearing wedding rings holding hands in public. Shame on them.'

'You should go on TV to complain about that,' said Sam.

'I would pay good money to watch that,' said Natasha, and Steve grinned.

~*~

** Rift in the Avengers? Has Nobel Laureate come between Cap and Falcon? **

The building across the street started to wobble dangerously. Eyes widening, still panting from her last mad dash, Jane took off in a run, up the block, away from the oncoming disaster.

 _Shit_.

Behind her, she heard the beginnings of it crumpling. Across the street she saw a couple of kids pausing to film it.

'RUN!' she hollered at them. 'IT'S GONNA IMPLODE.'

The kids stared at her, momentarily frozen in shock, but as she heard the crack and the snap of the material itself beginning to pull into itself, they too started to run. Jane glanced backwards again as she felt the sudden wind tugging backwards on the jacket she wore. Was she far enough away? Shit.

The pull strengthened and she felt her run being pulled to a stagger and then a stop and then a frantic tumble backwards. Flailing wildly, she grabbed out to the side, aiming for a lamppost or a rail or something, _anything_ bolted down, but to no avail. She was falling, and there was nothing she could do to-

'Oof!'

She was _flying_.

Up and away, her rescuer's wings straining to pull against the implosion that was still threatening to drag them both in until it-

The drag vanished, and Jane yelped as Sam's speed instantly doubled with the sudden lack of force pulling them back.

'Holy shit,' he said. Then, into his earpiece: 'I got Jane.'

'About damn time!' managed Jane, although her voice came out as something of a squeak. 'Where the hell have you guys been?'

Higher up now, she could see the city of Philadelphia laid out before her. She'd been in town delivering a couple of lectures and had noticed some weird readings on one of her monitors and had gone for a walk and... From up here she could see more clearly the pattern – buildings destroyed from these implosions but only within about a four mile radius, and all at ground level.

About a mile away, she saw a flash of lightning and that comforted her immensely.

'Tell Thor it's like the grenades the Dark Elves had, but bigger,' she told Sam and he relayed the message.

'Just getting you out of the blast radius,' he said. 'I think I've got a spare earpiece so you can tell us any more science you think of.'

He landed gently, outside of the circle of damage but not too far. Jane, back on her own steam, realised how much her body was shaking, and wobbled a little when he let her gently down to the ground. Sam kept hold of her arm.

'Hey, you OK?'

'Yeah, I'm fine, I'll be fine. Just a bit of a close one.' She closed her eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to steady herself. 'You better get back to the evacuation or whatever you guys are doing.'

He handed her an earpiece extracted from one of his pockets, which she slipped into her ear to hear the sounds of the others.

'Thanks,' she said and, on impulse, gave him a hug. 'And thanks for the rescue!'

'Any time,' he said cheerfully, giving her a salute.

At that moment, Steve came barrelling up. 'We're needed eight blocks that way, fifteenth and Fairmount!' he yelled.

Sam grinned, spread his wings, and grabbed Steve, and away they flew.

Shakily, Jane reached into the bag that had somehow managed to stay with her, and pulled out her gravometric detector.

~*~

Later, the fight was over. Later, they made an exhausted and dirt-covered return to New York in the QuinJet, Jane with them. Thor was fine. She was fine. Everyone was fine. Everything was all perfectly fine.

She sat, folded into Thor's arms, with one hand tangled in his hair so tightly her fingers were starting to hurt. He had his arms wrapped around her, pulling her against him and for the first time in hours it felt like her heartbeat had returned to normal.

Back at the Tower, she stayed in his lap while they sat around and had a celebratory drink. It had been terrorists or something, with modified alien weapons. Jane decided she'd pay attention some other time and just focussed on enjoying her beer and her ongoing cuddle with Thor, who was rubbing his hands soothingly up and down her hip and one of her arms, only occasionally taking a break to drink. Pepper had also arrived, dressed down and worrying about Tony, who allowed a reasonable amount of fussing and cuddling without any pretence of embarrassment.

'Well, we did OK,' said Steve eventually. 'Can I just say, though: what the fuck?'

'Can _I_ just say: aliens need to stop leaving their goddamn stuff lying around like we're an intergalactic storage locker,' said Tony, with a look at Thor, who shrugged.

'Ten thousand years ago, when it would have been left, it would have seemed impossible that humans could ever have known what to do with it,' he said.

'So they were patronising and with no regard for our safety,' muttered Rhodey. 'Love it.'

Thor shifted uncomfortably, probably remembering the bits of Asgardian tech the Avengers kept digging up (or being shot with, on more memorable occasions). Jane, who didn't really care about aliens or their weapons at that time (except for one specific alien, and she cared about him a lot), nuzzled into his neck and shut her eyes determinedly.

~*~

The next morning, the sun was shining and she'd slept for ten hours and Thor was making approximately three tonnes of bacon for everyone's breakfast. Darcy was sitting next to Jane with an arm around her, lecturing her grumpily, but everyone else's mood seemed to have perked up after a good night's sleep and the prospect of food.

'Like, what did I tell you? No going off to cities without me!' Darcy said crossly. 'And no exploring random alleyways looking for mystery signals. Do you remember what happened last time? Space Elves!'

Jane snorted, but didn't argue. She'd sort of gotten used to Darcy's concern at this point and just let it happen. There was little point in saying that Darcy would hardly have been able to stop anything.

'Here is the first batch,' said Thor, placing a large plate covered in bacon and an equally large plate with mountains of toast on it. 'I will now make some eggs, but do not feel as though you must wait if you're hungry.'

Jane snagged a slice of toast for herself and then set about making Thor a bacon sandwich since he didn't appear to have kept any back and, knowing the Avengers, everything would be gone in seconds. She then joined him at the counter and offered it to him, earning a warm smile and a slightly scritchy kiss in thanks.

'Ooooh dear...' said Natasha suddenly. She was on her phone. 'According to the internet, the Avengers are in trouble.'

'Please tell me it's not Congress,' said Rhodey.

With a gesture, Natasha projected her phone screen up onto the wall.

Jane stared. 'I,' she said, 'am going to kill them.'

> _Nobel Laureate Jane Foster has been making a name for herself in scientific circles, but increasingly too with her varied relationships. Just a couple of months ago she was seen happily dating Captain America, but now she seems to be the cause of a growing rift between Cap and Falcon, previously always the best of friends. Sources close to the Avengers say that the two have been avoiding each other – and public appearances bear that out, with most of Falcon's missions these days with Iron Man, Iron Patriot or Thor. With the Avengers this planet's chief line of defence against invasion or terrorism, it's only to be hoped that Jane Foster stops toying with the Cap and Falcon's emotions and lets them go back to saving the planet. (Check back later for an exclusive interview with Donald Blake – Jane Foster's ex – who describes her obsessive tendencies and 'man mad' nature._

Accompanying this were pictures of Sam landing (carrying her bridal style, _of course_ ), her hugging Sam, and Steve running up and yelling.

Jane buried her face in her hands and tried to make the world go away. 'Thor can you please go smash some things,' she said. 'Like, my ex. Also, again, the internet. No, wait, I'm going to punch Donald myself. Tony, you've got lawyers, right?'

'It's pretty hard to get a libel conviction for this sort of gossip,' Tony said.

'No, I meant for when I give Don a black eye.'

'Oh, yeah, we can get you off for that. We keep very expensive lawyers on retainer,' said Pepper.

Thor rubbed her back and she found herself smiling up at him. 'I'm fine,' she assured him. 'I'm almost getting used to it. Just, god, it's so embarrassing every other month I have to call my mom and tell her to stay off the internet.'

'Well make sure she doesn't read the comments on this one,' said Nat, who was scrolling down the page. 'First one calls you a whore for messing with poor precious darling Steve's feelings – their words, not mine – and there's a few that are, well-' She glanced at Sam.

'You don't need to tell me what people on the internet are saying about me, Nat,' he said.

Steve wrinkled his nose. 'Is there anything I can do?' he asked.

'Just keep doing your whole Captain-America-is-disappointed-in-you speeches,' said Sam. 'But I've seen it all before. At least this time they think I've stolen Cap's girlfriend.' He winked at Jane, who gave him a _look_. Then he stretched his arms. 'You coming to the gym later, Steve? I could use a punching bag.'

Grinning, Steve nodded. 'Sure, just as long as it doesn't further the tragic rift between us when I beat your ass.'

'Unless you both plan to fight over Jane's honour-' began Thor, until Jane elbowed him.

'You find this way too funny,' she told him. 'You won't be laughing when I dump you for literally anyone in this room.'

Thor leaned down to kiss her ear, murmuring vaguely adoring promises as he did so. Jane laughed, and prodded him back to deal with the cooking.

'Scrambled, please,' she said.

He bowed. 'Anything for you, Beloved,' he said. 'Except destroying the internet. Without it, how would I share my cooking with the world?'

With that, he took a photo of the mountainous bowl of eggs he was about to start working on and uploaded it to instagram.

~*~

** Phwoar, look at this kiss! **

'JANE!'

She heard the shout but it didn't register. All there was was a blinding white light and _pain_ , tearing through her body and ripping her apart, and then there was nothing.

_Jane..._

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

_Jane, can you...?_

One. Two. Three. Four. Five.

_Jane, are you...?_

One. Two. Three-

Jane spluttered, coughing, and a burning pain spread throughout her chest as she did so. She grabbed at nothing, trying to move – she had to get away – she had to...

'Jane, hold still.' The voice was calm and quiet and commanding. Hands held her hands. 'Just breathe. You'll be fine.'

She forced her eyes open, blinking in the light. Nat was holding onto her. She was safe. Nat was there.

'What-?' Her chest burned and she winced with pain, the movement only made everything else hurt more.

'No talking,' said Natasha. 'I've called in Maria. We'll get you to a hospital. You're alive.' She touched her ear. 'She's alive. She'll be fine.'

Jane shifted and then let out a slight whimper.

'Seriously, no moving,' said Nat. An order, but a surprisingly gentle one. 'We don't know what damage the shot and the fall might have done you, but you weren't breathing when I got to you and I've broken at least one rib.'

'I... what?'

'Hydra,' said Nat. 'An actual hit on you. Tony'll be so jealous. Nobody's tried to assassinate him in ages. Now you know you've really made the big leagues.'

She clutched Nat's hands and tried not to cry. Nat brushed her hair from her face and quietly murmured reassurances in a very un-Nat-like way.

'Thor?' Jane managed at last.

'Still fighting in Singapore and worrying constantly in my eardrum.' She tapped her earpiece with a wry smile. 'Simultaneous attacks across the world was a good idea to make everyone vulnerable.'

'Tell him...' Her voice trailed off and she grimaced. Speaking hurt.

'You can tell him yourself in a bit,' pointed out Nat. Jane squeezed her hands insistently. 'Oh all right, fine, but if Cap complains at me for taking up the comms then it's on you.' Jane's lip twitched. 'Thor, Jane sends her love.' She waited for a few moments. 'Thor, I do not need a five thousand word monologue right now. Pay attention to the bad guys.' She turned to Jane. 'He says he loves you too.'

Jane let out a slightly hysterical giggle, and then winced again. She could feel the world spinning, feel herself begin to drift out and away and...

~*~

_Beep... beep... beep... beep..._

It smelled like disinfectant.

It was funny, the first things that her brain noticed. Beeping machinery and disinfectant.

And warmth. Lots of warmth. A warmth that was so overwhelming it nearly blanked out the pain altogether. She ached a little and she couldn't really move but she was _warm_ and comfy and safe.

'Jane?' It was a soft and very welcomely familiar voice, but it held a tremor that she didn't recognise. Forcing her eyes open, she found herself looking straight into Thor's blue ones, open wide and strangely fearful.

'Hi,' she said. Her voice crackled and her throat hurt but it was nice to see him.

He was leaning forward across the white of her hospital bed, holding one of her hands with both of his, although so gently that she could hardly feel it. He was still wearing his armour and covered in the muck and blood of a battle. Jane had seen enough of that sort of grime to be able to ignore it, but that underneath it his face was sheet-white was harder to ignore.

'You did OK in Singapore then?' she managed at last.

'Jane- they- they told me you stopped breathing,' he said, voice cracking.

She felt her hand shaking, before realising that it was his were doing so and not her own.

'Hey,' she said softly, squeezing down on his hands as much as she could. 'I'm OK. I'm fine. Is everyone else...?' He nodded, eyes still wide and fearful and searching hers in a panic. 'Hey,' she said again. 'Can I have a hug?'

'You shouldn't be moved,' he said reluctantly.

She gave him a pout and pulled weakly at his hand and, as she'd known he would, he gave in. He was incredibly gentle, holding her more like a china doll than a person. The armour still pressed into her uncomfortably but she didn't care. As much as this was for him, it was for her too, and she wrapped her arms as far around him as she could and clung on.

~*~

Thor stayed by her side, interrogating doctors and anyone who dared look in the room about what they wanted. He didn't sleep, barely ate, and could only just be convinced to leave for long enough to wash the dirt of the battle from his face when a joint bodyguard of every other Avenger (plus Darcy) showed up to protect her in his brief absence.

'I'm fine,' she told them huffily, because the doctors were still giving her plenty of drugs so she really did feel like it. 'Just make him eat something.'

'We brought food,' said Sam, dumping a load of bags on the floor. 'Hospital food is the worst, so, enjoy.'

Thor returned, very quickly, still in full armour but at least a bit less smelly and gross-looking. He settled back to his vigil on the chair beside her bed and held onto her hand while Steve plied them both with bagels and slices of pie. The other Avengers hung around for a bit, drifting off individually as stuff came up. Natasha was the last to go, and Jane grabbed her hand.

'Thanks,' she said. 'I owe you, like, a lot.'

Nat smiled and gave her hand a squeeze. 'You can pay me back by having your boyfriend make me breakfast a few times,' she said, with a small smile, and Jane laughed.

Thor looked like he was about to make some very grand offer and Jane suspected Nat saw it too, because she was out of the room like a shot. That left only Thor and Darcy, who was napping on one of the other chairs in the room.

~*~

Back on her feet and out of hospital, without the steady stream of wonderful drugs being piped into her, Jane began to realise she really had been badly injured. Her ribs were bandaged from Nat's rescue, but the rest of her was a wreck – visibly covered in bruises, but mostly just incredibly weak and painful. They'd hit her with some form of energy weapon, she learned, and it had basically put her into cardiac arrest amongst other things. From the looks she got from Tony, who had no doubt since made a detailed study of the weapon itself, she suspected she was luckier than anyone was saying.

She didn't exactly feel it, though. She'd been supplied with a wheelchair to help her get about, but she mostly just wanted to sleep. Thor stuck by her side like glue, despite the security and protections offered by the Tower. She told him he didn't need to worry, and that she was fine, and that everything would be OK and he smiled at her reassurances and still refused to leave.

Then, that night, he had his first nightmare in months, waking in the early hours with her name and his mother's name on his tongue. That this was because of her nearly broke her heart. She didn't even have the strength to hold him as tightly as she wanted to. Instead she clambered on top of him, draped her arms around him, and nuzzled into his chest.

''S OK,' she mumbled. 'It's all OK.'

'Jane, I'm sorry, I-' He swallowed, his voice small in the darkness of the room. 'I was so far. I couldn't help-'

She leaned up to press her lips against his as hard as she could. 'It's OK. I'm here.' He was shaking a little again, she noticed, and she pulled the covers around them both as much as she could. 'I'm not going anywhere.' He pulled her in tightly and she kissed where she could reach – lips and chin and neck – already finding herself exhausted and falling back to sleep.

It took two days before Jane even felt up to leaving their apartment. Thor continued to hover and fuss and not really sleep and jump at the slightest noise. At one point Darcy had entered unusually early in the morning and found him standing, ready to summon Mjolnir.

'Dude,' she'd said to him, 'you need to chill out.'

He'd mumbled something about being careful and Darcy had patted him on the arm and forced him to make some cupcakes. To relax himself, she'd said, although since she'd taken half of them herself, Jane was suspicious as to her motivations.

Eventually, after what felt like forever, Jane dragged herself out into the more public areas of the Tower. It was less because she needed to get out and do something, and more to just feel less like she was under house arrest. She'd showered, almost without assistance, and put on clean clothes. Admittedly they were sweatpants and a t shirt with one of Thor's plaid shirts over the top, but she even put on a bra and started to feel a bit like a human being.

She was walking in a painfully slow shuffle, but she was _walking_ , and that felt good. Thor was still by her side, as was Darcy, and she let them both fuss. For all Thor's panic, it had been easy to forget that Darcy was also worried.

'So, at the risk of harshing your buzz, there's some shit you two have missed in the week and a bit you've been hanging out in hospital rooms and your own apartment,' said Darcy as she got Jane seated on one of the couches and started piling blankets and pillows around her, assisted by Thor.

'Um, that doesn't sound- Darcy, it's not _winter_ , I don't need eight hundred of these. I'm warm already!' Thor settled down next to the blanket pile that was now Jane and wrapped his arms around it. 'I cannot even feel you,' she told him. 'Take some of these off!' She fought her arms out and pushed back the long sleeves of the shirt she was wearing, already heating up. Thor laughed quietly, took one of her hands and kissed it gently.

'Ahem,' said Darcy. 'Pay attention. This is, like, old news now, but I figured you should know before you find out accidentally. Or, like, turn on your phone, because it took a _long_ conversation with Mama Foster to convince her everything is fine. And she's coming here in, like, three days by the way so look forward to that. Tony said she's welcome, so there you go.'

Jane blinked. 'OK,' she said vaguely. 'Er... old news?'

'Don't panic, but the internet now thinks you're a lesbian.'

Jane exchanged a confused glance with Thor. 'Why do they-? Wait, the CPR? Are you kidding me?'

Darcy handed over her phone for them to read.

The first photo was taken from a distance and, surrounded as she and Nat had been by rubble, she guessed it wasn't the _most_ outlandish interpretation that they were kissing. It was still pretty bad though. The second photo was a bit closer, and Nat was no longer giving her CPR. In fact, in it, Jane was awake and staring, wild-eyed up at Nat, panicking and clutching at nothing... at least she remembered that's what she'd been doing. It wasn't all that clear from the photo itself. She wasn't sure if that was better or worse.

> _Looks like Nobel Laureate Jane Foster and famed ex-Assassin Black Widow have been holding out on us! Attacks around the world blind-sided the Avengers (click here to see a full report), but luckily for Dr Foster, Natasha Romanoff stayed in town to look out for her. And what a look-out it was!_

Shaking her head, Jane stopped reading with a roll of her eyes and turned to Thor. His lips were compressed and on realising her attention was on him, he looked up and away. 'Did we wish to see a film, then?' he said lightly. Jane tossed the phone back to Darcy and took his hand again.

'Are there snacks?' she asked Darcy hopefully.

'What kind of friend would I be if there weren't?' said Darcy. 'Hold on, I'll go fetch. No starting without me!'

She bounced up and out of the room, and Jane took the opportunity to tug on Thor's hand. 'Hey, you OK?'

'Of course,' he said. 'It was not I who was injured.'

'Thor,' she said, leaning into his shoulder, and stroking his arm. He'd not actually seen what it had been like before. No wonder the pictures were bothering him.

He hesitated for a moment. 'I should have been there to stop them.'

'Hey, don't think like that,' she said. 'You can't be everywhere. You saved a lot of people's lives that day.'

'I do know that,' he admitted, voice suddenly very quiet and serious. 'I cannot regret that, but equally I cannot forget that being who I am will sometimes take me from you when most you need me, and that there is nothing I can do to change that. I promise you this, though, Jane: when I find the men who did this to you, they will pay dearly for their actions.'

Jane really didn't know what to say to that. She didn't really want to talk about Hydra yet, but she did want Thor there with her. Instead of speaking, she shot him a tight smile and shifted some of her blankets to cover him too so she could get closer to cuddle him. 

At that point, Darcy swanned back in, carrying chips and a large bag of candy. She must have noticed their changed positions and the quieter mood, but she pretended not to, dumping the snacks on the coffee table.

'So anyway, before I put a movie on and join the blanket pile, I figured I'd let you know there's no need to burn the internet,' she said. 'Meant to mention up front that the guys sorted it. Pepper did one of her I'm-not-mad-I'm-just-disappointed press conferences. You know like how she talks to Tony all the time. It was going to be Steve because Avengers stuff, but everyone decided that the internet would be further convinced you and him are dating, so Pepper volunteered and basically told them to stop being such intrusive assholes and that you'd been injured and that if they couldn't tell the difference between CPR and kissing they needed to learn a few things. It was pretty epic. I love Pepper. I want to be her. And own her shoes.'

Jane laughed. 'Her shoes are kinda amazing,' she said. 'I couldn't walk in them though.' She considered for a second. 'Can we watch Star Wars?'

Darcy snorted. 'For the eight-hundredth time?'

'I'm injured!' said Jane, in a slightly pathetic voice.

'Ugh,' said Darcy. 'Don't you play that card. Thor is going to fall for that every time for the next twenty years.'

Thor slid his hands further beneath the blanket pile and wrapped them around Jane's middle, pulling her in even closer to him. 'More like thirty,' he muttered into her ear, at least sounding like he was trying to make a joke.

Jane twisted her head to kiss his cheek before settling herself back in place and welcoming Darcy in under the blankets as the opening crawl started.

'No gross movie making-out,' said Darcy, shuffling in to put one of her arms around Jane too.

'And miss the movie? Are you kidding?' said Jane.

'Even I've seen this about ten times,' pointed out Thor, and she elbowed him.

'Shhh! It's the music!'

~*~

** Get the tissues out, girls: Universe's Hottest Alien no longer single! **

It took a while to heal from being briefly clinically dead. She was, at least, in the best possible company for coping with that sort of thing. After all, as Sam pointed out, it was easier to count the number of people who lived in the Tower who _hadn't_ died at least once.

As Darcy promised, her mom visited and fussed and, embarrassingly, lectured the Avengers about looking after non-superheroes. Then she fussed over _them_ when they looked stricken. She stayed a week, before she had to get back to work, and by the end of it, Jane was feeling a lot more like herself. In deference to the fact that Hydra apparently wanted her dead, and that she had developed even more of a tendency to jump at the slightest noise, she did not immediately book a flight to go to Nepal, despite some interesting new theories from a scientist working at Kathmandu University. Instead she got her head down and focussed on some nice, complicated math that she'd been neglecting.

The Avengers continued to hunt Hydra. She'd known they had been before, and Thor had always told her about his work doing so, but it had never felt quite so directly personal before. Now she insisted on more regular updates. Thor, once he'd been convinced to leave her side (the first time only because Steve promised to stick to her), seemed to find the missions almost calming. That Jane understood, in a way: he had a goal and something to do. Just like she had her work whenever sleep was too long in coming, he had his. And, of course, they had each other, and eventually normal life began to come creeping back. Albeit normal life in the bubble that was her work and the Avengers' work.

It took an ordinary shopping trip a couple of months after the attack to remind her what it was like outside that bubble.

It really was just a regular shopping trip. She'd gotten distracted by the electronics store and was busy prodding at some radios thoughtfully, wondering about the possibilities of signal cleanliness and extraction. She'd been at it for ten minutes or so when Thor and Darcy came to find her. They had, apparently, been and gone to Krispy Kreme in her absence and Thor presented her with a doughnut with a slight bow.

'Haven't you got one?' she asked him.

Darcy, half way through hers, laughed. 'He's eaten two,' she said. 'One of them was free because he smiled at the dude behind the counter.'

Thor grinned, unembarrassed. 'They were most delicious,' he said, and leaned down to plant a sticky kiss on Jane, who grinned and took a bite out of her own.

'Are you buying anything here?' asked Darcy. 'Because I want to go introduce Thor to the joys of Spencer's. Get you something for your birthday, you know.'

'Don't you dare!' said Jane. 'I'm done, I'm done!'

Thor raised a curious eyebrow.

'I'll explain later,' she said. 'But if you want to get anything like that, you can get much higher quality on the internet.'

'Jane Foster!' said Darcy. 'I did not know you had it in you.' She linked arms with Jane. 'C'mon, you need a dress for Pepper's party, and I know just the place.'

~*~

Later, Jane was having her second glass of wine and reading one of the new books she'd acquired on their mall trip while Thor cooked dinner. She was pretty deeply engrossed but that didn't stop her hearing when his phone beeped loudly. She noticed him frown as he picked it up.

'Avengers?' she asked, holding her breath a little.

He shook his head. 'Darcy has texted me.'

'Isn't she, like, two rooms away?'

He nodded and tapped on the screen before his eyes widened. 'Oh,' he said, eyebrows raising. 'Hmph.'

Jane got to her feet and walked over, peering over his arm to what Darcy had sent him.

> _It's finally happened, and it's a tragedy. Someone that gorgeous couldn't stay single for long, so we don't know what we expected. Thor, the only guy who has ever come close to being a real life Disney Prince come to life, has finally been spotted out and about with a ladyfriend, and boy does she look like she knows how lucky she is._

The picture was Thor and... _Darcy_.

'Oh my god,' said Jane. She burst out laughing.

It must have been taken when they were getting doughnuts before they'd found her again. Darcy had linked arms with him and was grinning up at him in her usual Darcy way. Thor was smiling at her because of course he was – he smiled at everything. It was actually, by Jane's reckoning, only one of his B grade smiles. Maybe a B+. But she couldn't blame whoever wrote the stupid article for mistaking it for something more because Thor in a good mood always looked like actual sunshine. Or, as they'd said, like a Disney prince.

She tried to bite her lip to stop laughing.

Next to her, Thor grumbled under his breath. 'I'm not...' he muttered.

Jane just giggled again. 'About damn time they got you,' she said. 'Guess your hoodie of invisibility finally stopped working.'

'Hmph,' he muttered again. She patted his arm.

'Hey, nobody called you a whore,' she pointed out. He instantly looked guilty and she poked him. 'Shall we stop this from happening?' she said.

Thor wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion. 'I do not think we can, much as I sometimes long to take down the internet,' he said.

'No, I mean-' Jane pulled out her phone. 'The world is going to find out sooner or later, so let's tell them. I'd rather have it on our terms than some picture of one of us injured.' He stiffened and she reached over to take his hand. 'Seriously, I think we should do this.'

'Really?' He looked surprised.

'I mean, if you want,' said Jane, hesitating. She'd been the one who'd insisted on as much privacy as possible, and he'd always seemed happy enough to go along with it but she supposed they'd never really talked about what he thought.

'Jane, I would shout my love from the rooftops of every building in the Nine Realms if I thought you would like such a gesture,' he said. 'I would be extremely honoured to be known publicly as your partner.'

Biting her lip, she felt a slight warm in her cheeks.

'C'mon,' she said. 'Give me a kiss. Let's put some gross PDA on Facebook like Darcy does every time she gets a new boyfriend.'

'I object to the term “gross”,' said Thor, sliding his arms around her waist. 'We are many things, but never that!'

He kissed her. He kissed her extremely well. He kissed her so very well that when he pulled back, beaming down at her, it took her a couple of moments of staring to recover.

'I, um, did not take any photos,' she said.

'Well,' he said with a grin, 'we'll have to try again.'

It took several tries before Jane realised she wasn't having any success with photos. At that point, she gave up and just kissed him for a while longer, ignoring the whole camera thing. Eventually, flustered and pink and hair all over the place, she pulled back and was pleased to find him in the same state.

'We still need to...' she began, gesturing vaguely. Then she yelled, 'DARCY!'

Thor pouted.

Darcy wandered through the door, on her phone. '… I told you, Mom, I am not fucking him. I'm just staring at him like he's a hot piece of beef because he is one. Also, you know, a totally excellent platonic friend.' At this point she winked at Thor. 'Anyway, gotta go, the boss is calling, and you know what a slave-driver she is. God it's like I never get a weekend.' She hung up. 'Oh my god I thought she'd never go. I've had, like, seven hundred phone calls asking me about my new boyfriend. There is nothing more disheartening than having to tell everyone I know that no, I am not actually dating _the_ Thor. Ugh, the internet is the worst.' She grinned. 'What can I do for you?'

'Take a picture of us making out for the internet,' said Jane.

Darcy blinked, and then shrugged. 'You know what, that's not even, like, top ten, when it comes to the weird shit you've asked me to do. Pepper and I trade stories from back when she used to be Tony's PA. Anyway, why are you making out for the internet?'

'I'm fed up with stupid rumours,' said Jane. 'Nothing personal, it's just the tipping point.'

'Whatever,' said Darcy. 'As long as I don't have to reply to any more Facebook messages it's all cool with me. This is so not going to make your life easier though, you know that, right?'

Jane handed her her phone. 'Photos,' she said.

'Just for the record, if you guys ever want to make a porno...' Darcy trailed off and frowned. 'You know what, I don't even know if it'd be worse if you did ask for my help or if you didn't.' She shook her head. 'Right, making out positions please.' Then she frowned. 'Maybe we should get you a box to stand on, Jane. You know, like Scully in the X Files.'

Thor grinned, reached down, and picked Jane up. 'No need!' he said cheerfully. Jane wriggled in his arms and prodded him for good measure, making him wink at her.

'Can you do that one handed?' said Darcy, suddenly the professional. 'And put your other hand... here.'

Jane raised an eyebrow. 'Really?'

'What? I know what I'm about. I didn't rise to the heady heights of sort-of-lab-manager by half-assing it.' She stepped back and eyed the two of them with a critical eye. 'Thor, can you bend a little, like... that, yeah, that's good. Hold that position and make out from there.'

It took a minute for Jane to stop giggling long enough to give him a kiss. Aware of Darcy's presence, it was relatively chaste, but despite the hilarious weirdness of the situation, kissing Thor was never something she was reluctant to do.

'OK, got a few, you can stop now,' said Darcy.

Jane decided they didn't need to stop _just_ yet...

'Ugh, fine, whatever, I'm going back to my room,' said Darcy. 'If my dinner is burned you're both in so much trouble you don't even know.'

~*~

An hour and a half later, eating Chinese take-out and sitting cross-legged on the floor while Thor fiddled with her hair and Darcy played around on her computer, Jane tried out filters and captions until she finally settled on a picture to upload.

'You are certain?' said Thor gently.

'Mmm,' she nodded. 'I mean, my friends and family know. And like I said, this way we can choose. It won't be some creepy passer-by taking pictures of me, like half dead or something.'

The picture she'd picked had a bit of a sappy engagement-photo look to it, but she didn't really care. In it, it could clearly be seen that they were both smiling, despite the whole locking-lips thing. The caption she'd typed in was slightly less romantic of course.

_Dear internet gossip blogs: I've been dating Thor and nobody else since November 2013. Please piss off out of my love life and let me get on with my work._

Taking a deep breath, she hit the 'upload' button.

'Let's see what the headlines say about that tomorrow,' she said determinedly.

Thor laughed, and leaned down to kiss her again.

~*~

** PDA and swearing: is Nobel Laureate Dr Foster really the example you want your kids to follow? **

'Yes!' said Jane, grinning. She’d checked online first thing after waking up and seen that one. 'Finally a story that's not awful!' She gave a sleepy Thor a high five and then triumphantly shared the story on Facebook.

'Mmm,' murmured Thor, wrapping his arm around her hips and pulling her in closer to nibble at her collar-bone. 'Jane Foster, PhD, Astrophysicist, Nobel Laureate, Bad Example On The Internet. Truly I love a woman of many great accomplishments.'

Laughing, Jane shoved away her phone and ran her fingers through Thor's hair with an appreciative murmur, deciding she currently had many better things to do than worry about the internet.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out [THESE GRAPHICS](http://the-irish-mayhem.tumblr.com/post/127360576061/graphics-inspired-byjane-foster-versus-the) by [SerenaBancroft](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SerenaBancroft) to illustrate this. ISN'T SHE AMAZING? :D :D :D


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